Listening With Emotional Hotspots
Matt 13:11-12
You cannot overestimate the importance of listening to your spouse, listening says:
“I value you and I value our relationship”.
Listening also says: “I want to know you.” Not listening says the relationship doesn’t matter; you can never have an intimate marriage if you refuse to know your spouse. What kind of relationship do you have with your spouse? If you aren’t listening, you are not being respectful to the marriage.
Respecting the other person’s ideas, even when they differ from your own is essential to communication. Few people will continue to communicate if their thoughts are always condemned; also responding too quickly gets in the way of effective listening.
You must listen twice as much as you talk if you want to know your spouse better.
Eph 4:2
We all have emotional hotspots, when your spouse says or does certain things; we have a tendency to get defensive based on how we listen. Usually, our responses are rooted in actions from our history. You may often find that your spouse is echoing statements made by his or her parents or love ones that have hurt or embarrassed them. The fact that you get defensive indicates that the hurt has never healed or your spouse never looked and saw you needed healing.
The next time you get defensive; ask yourself, “Why am I defensive?” The chances are you will see a flood of memories because you have never shared these past experiences with anyone, not even your spouse, so there was no way they can understand you. Once you learn the reason your wife or husband is defensive in certain areas, you learn how to close down and move on. Learning to negotiate emotional hot spots; shows love development in the marriage. Get some wisdom about your spouse so you can extend some special patience and grace to listen to one another.
There are ways to avoid being defensive once you learn the things that trigger them. Jesus told His disciples that listening brings knowledge.
The more you listen the more you become a better listener and the more you understand.
This was certainly true of Jesus’ teachings, but it also applies to the conversations with your spouse. If your spouse starts talking, take it as a holy moment, the one you love is about to reveal something.
When your spouse begins to reveal her inner self, don’t do anything to stop the flow. It’s your time to drop everything else and give her your full attention. Nod at her and smile, and let your eyes show concern because your spouse may be expressing the pain of you not listening. As you listen-ask questions to make sure you’re getting her message. Good active listening stimulates her innermost parts for communication with you.
Learning to negotiate the emotional hot spots can be taken care of with a better love language to certain things in the marriage. Practice makes perfect. From time to time it is good to review the basics of your love for each other. By doing this, it will refresh your memory, and strengthen your faith in loving again.
This will dispel any spiritual falsehoods you have begun to believe about your marriage.
The husband must learn to say to his wife, “How would you like for me to talk about this or these issues in the future because I don’t want to hurt you anymore or I don’t want to add anymore hurt to what you already have.”
Now you are on the road to defusing the defensive behavior of your spouse. Follow scripture by being patient and making allowances for your spouse struggles, Paul says in Ephesians 2:2
Eph 2:2
2. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. NLT
The spouse should always be willing to find out where this feelings-thoughts-love and emotions originate. There are only two kinds of feelings, those are feeling good or feeling bad. You can help each other learn to forget what lies behind in the past and reach for what is ahead.
Good listening and communication are a long luxury in a relationship, but it is especially essential to a wife.
Eph 4:31
Col 2:2
Stop making excuses. Excuses mean that you are trying to avoid your responsibility. Yes, some job tasks rightly belong to you as the spouse, but you can consider it to be inconvenient to do. On the surface, the excuses look right, but a closer examination reveals the truth. You should never hide behind your inadequacies but look to God’s available resources for love. Allow God to empower with resources, not excuses.
Apostle James Morrow